My Story about depression and anxiety

depression and anxiety

My story about depression and anxiety.

Let me start off by saying what your about to read is hard but it’s the truth that many people struggle with everyday. I want to make this clear I’m not posting this to gain sympathy or for people to ask why I never told them. This is my story and I’m sharing it because I hope this helps one person speak out.

Here’s my story..

Back to when I could remember I always felt depressed and had anxiety about doing things or going places. Clearly remember cutting myself on my hand because I liked the feeling. My mom ended up finding them and asking why? I’m pretty sure I lied.

My anxiety always stop me from going to events or family functions. I always had to mentally prepared. It got to a point were I would take natural pills that make you relax usually used when flying.

I always felt like I was the black sheep of the family. Part of me was always different. Along with the way people made me feel and the abuse at a young age. This is what most likely led to me depression and anxiety.

If your one of those people that say ” oh well you have to have a reason to be sad”. Oh do I wish I had one. I wish I didn’t have to deal with this or feel unworthy.

Maybe your saying to yourself ” oh well you have a great life, a loving husband a home and two healthy kids maybe you just need attention”. Well let me tell you as a 25 year old grown woman I don’t need attention but the little girl I use to be did from back and forth from Las Vegas to El Paso. Wondering why I never fit in. Why people would make me feel like being different wasn’t okay or that I was being too annoying and obnoxious. I need someone to tell me that being different was okay that being yourself was okay.

I don’t really care to talk about my abuse as a young kid. It’s just not something I care to talk about at this moment. I do have to say that if someone is abusing you in anyway please tell someone. Don’t blame yourself.

Let talk about suicide. ( if this is a hard topic for you to read stop here)

There was many times I wanted to commit suicide. The most recent was last year. I was ready I didn’t care that my kids were going to grow up without a mom or didn’t care about the pain I was about to cause. I was just done fighting the demons in my head. I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to be happy and end all the pain I was feeling.

There were days I had to get out of bed because I had two kids depending on me. Days so bad that my husband had to come home early to help me with them. He found me once crying in the middle of the night while I rocked back and forth. Depression isn’t just mentally it’s physical. My whole body use to hurt yet I couldn’t explain why.

I even left to California to spend a week with his family. I remember being on the beach and just sitting there taking it all in. I was finding a reason to live. Yet no one had any idea.

My kids and husband are the reason I’m writing this today. They are the reason I live and breath everyday. Do I have bad days yes of course I do. They are nothing compared to what they use to be.

My advice..

Not everyone needs to like you. If someone is making you feel useless or putting you done. Well let me put it nicely. F@&K THEM!
I don’t care if it’s family. First of all family shouldn’t treat you that way.

Talk to someone. If you wanna talk to me I’m here text me, email me , slide in to me DM ( obviously I can’t take anything serious)
No but in all seriousness talk to someone.

Something that help me with my anxiety. Was asking myself ” why do I care about this or what this person thinks”. The only person that should care is yourself. Do you like how you dress etc. then that’s all that matters. Love yourself and that self love will shine from the outside. If you don’t like something change it. Never stop growing and changing. Aspire to always be a better person.

Thank you for ready my story about depression and anxiety. I hope that more people start a conversation about this and not to be scared to ask for help.

 

 

 

Why I gave my kids a playroom

I finally gave in and I’m kicking myself for not doing this along time ago. Well we have always had an extra room with my husbands old bed in it along with random stuff. It was basically our guest room. I decided to move the bed in to Nolan’s room. We were already talking about how he needed a bigger bed because his crib was getting to small for how crazy he sleeps. Plus when we actually do have guest they can stay in there. Apparently no matter how nice or how big my kids beds are they rather sleep in our room.

I wanted a place where they can make a mess and I can just close the door. In all honesty they were taking over every single room and I wanted my house back. Not going to lie I feel like I was losing it every time I would step on a toy or I would would pick them up and not even 5 mins later they were all on the floor again. What is it about kids that like to make a mess in a clean area? I just cleaned the playroom for the picture above and I can hear Nolan dumping everything out. The best part is it’s not down stairs. I also incorporated a new rule no toys down stairs or they will be taken to the trash. You should see how fast they pick them up.

I decided not to paint the room and leave it as is for now because I didn’t want to worry about the walls having crayon or chalk marks. I do want to put a small couch and a tv for them since Nolan likes to grab everything that isn’t his in my room if I’m not watching. I’m pretty happy about the room probably more then kids. Now I don’t have to apologize for the mess my kids make when people actually visit. I just couldn’t take being behind them 24/7 to see what mess they were making. If you don’t have an extra room like us. Give them a specify area and get your sanity back. One thing I forgot to mention was I did clean out the toys before taking them upstairs.

Now that I’m the rightful owner of my home again. Hahaha. I been working on decorating and making things for it. Hopefully I will be posting some diys and decor ideas soon.

-sometimesagoodmomoftwo