My Story about depression and anxiety

depression and anxiety

My story about depression and anxiety.

Let me start off by saying what your about to read is hard but it’s the truth that many people struggle with everyday. I want to make this clear I’m not posting this to gain sympathy or for people to ask why I never told them. This is my story and I’m sharing it because I hope this helps one person speak out.

Here’s my story..

Back to when I could remember I always felt depressed and had anxiety about doing things or going places. Clearly remember cutting myself on my hand because I liked the feeling. My mom ended up finding them and asking why? I’m pretty sure I lied.

My anxiety always stop me from going to events or family functions. I always had to mentally prepared. It got to a point were I would take natural pills that make you relax usually used when flying.

I always felt like I was the black sheep of the family. Part of me was always different. Along with the way people made me feel and the abuse at a young age. This is what most likely led to me depression and anxiety.

If your one of those people that say ” oh well you have to have a reason to be sad”. Oh do I wish I had one. I wish I didn’t have to deal with this or feel unworthy.

Maybe your saying to yourself ” oh well you have a great life, a loving husband a home and two healthy kids maybe you just need attention”. Well let me tell you as a 25 year old grown woman I don’t need attention but the little girl I use to be did from back and forth from Las Vegas to El Paso. Wondering why I never fit in. Why people would make me feel like being different wasn’t okay or that I was being too annoying and obnoxious. I need someone to tell me that being different was okay that being yourself was okay.

I don’t really care to talk about my abuse as a young kid. It’s just not something I care to talk about at this moment. I do have to say that if someone is abusing you in anyway please tell someone. Don’t blame yourself.

Let talk about suicide. ( if this is a hard topic for you to read stop here)

There was many times I wanted to commit suicide. The most recent was last year. I was ready I didn’t care that my kids were going to grow up without a mom or didn’t care about the pain I was about to cause. I was just done fighting the demons in my head. I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to be happy and end all the pain I was feeling.

There were days I had to get out of bed because I had two kids depending on me. Days so bad that my husband had to come home early to help me with them. He found me once crying in the middle of the night while I rocked back and forth. Depression isn’t just mentally it’s physical. My whole body use to hurt yet I couldn’t explain why.

I even left to California to spend a week with his family. I remember being on the beach and just sitting there taking it all in. I was finding a reason to live. Yet no one had any idea.

My kids and husband are the reason I’m writing this today. They are the reason I live and breath everyday. Do I have bad days yes of course I do. They are nothing compared to what they use to be.

My advice..

Not everyone needs to like you. If someone is making you feel useless or putting you done. Well let me put it nicely. F@&K THEM!
I don’t care if it’s family. First of all family shouldn’t treat you that way.

Talk to someone. If you wanna talk to me I’m here text me, email me , slide in to me DM ( obviously I can’t take anything serious)
No but in all seriousness talk to someone.

Something that help me with my anxiety. Was asking myself ” why do I care about this or what this person thinks”. The only person that should care is yourself. Do you like how you dress etc. then that’s all that matters. Love yourself and that self love will shine from the outside. If you don’t like something change it. Never stop growing and changing. Aspire to always be a better person.

Thank you for ready my story about depression and anxiety. I hope that more people start a conversation about this and not to be scared to ask for help.

 

 

 

Why we only want two kids

Let me start off by saying I love kids and sometimes I would love to have more. With that being said kids are a lot of work. Remember we are raising adults here. Here are some of the reasons we decided to only have two and why I praise people who have more!

– Giving our kids the attention they need. I don’t ever want my kids to feel left out or feel like I wasn’t there enough for them.

– Might I add kids are expensive. From when their born to when they finally move out hahaha who am I kidding. Eventually I’ll be spoiling the grandkids.

– We want them to play sports. This adds to kids are expensive.

– I want another dog hahahaha I had to add this because I’m dying to have a puppy.

– Nolan is like having two kids in one. Examples below.

Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work. -C.S Lewis

– About two weeks ago I had a stomach bug.  Hubby had to come home from work for two days. Not being able to take care of my kids and myself was the worse for me. It reminded me how I wouldn’t like being pregnant again while taking care of two kids ( I get really bad morning sickness when I’m pregnant).

– I am looking forward to when both kids are in school. I want to be able to volunteer in their classrooms and attend any events they have. This is a huge reason for me. Since my mom was a single parent she would often miss events in my childhood.

– I can win family of four tickets without having to buy an extra one. I’m totally kidding! Hahaha

– We want to be able to travel and do fun things with our kids. Like go to Disneyland and water parks.

– I hate being pregnant. Giving birth was the easy part Nolan practically walked out. I just didn’t like being sick and so uncomfortable.

– We would love to adopt! We are waiting for the kids to get a bit older to see what are options are I’m hoping we can give a kid out there a better life one day.

– Let me add that if Nolan would’ve been a girl we would’ve decided to try again for a boy.

I am no means saying you couldn’t do any of the above things with more kids. These are just a couple of reasons that justify our decision.

Sometimes A Good Mom of Two.

Raising Two Kids.

 

August 7th, 2015,

My last day as a mom of one. I remember finding out I was going to get induce that night. So Amelia and I headed off for some girl time. I was nervous and excited all at once. I remember thinking is she going to hate me for having a baby. Later that night we dropped her off at my moms. As we drove away I cried (that ugly Kim Kardashian cry). She wasn’t going to be my only baby anymore.

The next day she met her baby brother. She actually didn’t want to see him at 1st . It took her a little bit to warm up to him. Then she would give him kisses. We finally got to go home. My mom dropped her off and then left. That’s when reality hit. We now have two kids.

Patience is key.

 

My advice for moms for what to do while your pregnant then when you’ve had the baby.

– Try to involve kids in pregnancy and let them choose something for the baby.

– Talk to them about how they feel about having a brother or sister if their young and can’t really grasp what’s going on try and show them pictures of the ultrasound. Let them know mommy has a baby in her belly.

– take them out get some one on one time with them plan dates with mom and dad. I did this a lot while I was pregnant.
– try to get meals ready since I breastfeed Nolan the 1st six weeks I didn’t move from the same spot I would feed him then he would sleep then change him and feed him again. I was able to put him down for maybe 2 hours out of the day.

– get a wrap or carrier! My ergo was a life saver especially going to the store. (If your breastfeeding learn how to feed while he/she is in it)

– Don’t worry about the house this one is harder for me and still is sometimes spending time with kids is more important then a clean house. ( see below)

– take advantage of nap time. This is were I would play with Millie, take a shower, clean etc.

– kids are going to be jealous. It’s a normal human emotion. Amelia still gets jealous that we get excited when Nolan says or does something new. We also get as excited when Amelia shows us something she drew or made. We like to remind her that she’s a big girl and a big sister! I also love showing her pictures or videos of when she was a baby. To help her remember her time with us.

-my advice to family and friends of the mom respect their wishes ask them what they need instead of saying “let me know if you need anything” most moms wont ask for help I know I didn’t.

Mom life now.
Having two kids isn’t easy I actually couldn’t Imagine having more then two. You will just have bad days and you will have good days. As they both get older I involve them in helping me do things around the house. Sometimes they help me feed the dog , put clothes in the washer and dryer. Last week they helped us make breakfast.

Do my kids fight? Yes they do every day actually. Usually over something so simple. Nolan went threw a phase of bitting Amelia because he would get upset at something she did to him. Some days I separate them I send Amelia to play by herself and let Nolan play by himself downstairs. My advice let them get bored. Let their minds come up with ideas on what to do. They usually play pretend or go outside and run around with Zoe (the dog). My kids love playing with her!

I wasn’t sure if I was going to add this next part or not but it’s apart of me and why not.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. As a mom there were days I wouldn’t do anything we would watch movies and cartoons all day. Days where my husband would have to come home to tell the kids to calm down. There not bad kids but when your mind isn’t in a right state and your anxiety is high because there not listening to you. It’s breaks you down and I would cry. Take it day by day. Wake up and tell yourself okay today is going to be a good day. If it’s not that’s fine take it easy that day and start over the next day. My most anxiety came from trying to get out the house with two kids thinking that the store was going to help. Going to the park in the middle of summer isn’t really an option for us when it’s 110 degrees outside. So find places you can go to like indoor playgrounds, kids museum etc.

Don’t forget to take time for yourself (I need to take my own advice and make more time for me). I started working out every weekday and my mood started to change. When I don’t workout during the week I feel sluggish or moody. Drink a glass of wine and watch a chick flick by yourself. Go to the store by yourself! Ask yourself when was the last time you went grocery shopping by yourself? Not having to worry about screaming kids or them putting everything in the cart. I still have so much more to learn. Both my husband and I do. As they get older were going to deal with different struggles. Patience is key!

Helping me make breakfast.
We love going to Costco

 

Do you know a mom who’s pregnant with her 2nd or thinking about having another? Share this post with her. Hopefully it will help put her mind at ease.

 

-sometimes a good mom of two

 

Introducing Myself!

Meet Nolan.
My husband and I.
Meet Amelia

Hello to anyone who’s reading this,

I’m Valerie Barajas, I’m 24 years a wife to an amazing husband (he told me to add that) haha jk. Of course I’m a mother to two beautiful kids! Amelia who just turn 4 and Nolan who is about 18 months. I’m also a dog mom to a 3 year old German Shepherd. My husband says If it were up to me I would have like 10 dogs but I think 3 is good maybe 4 haha okay maybe just one more.

Some say I’m so lucky to be able to stay home with them. I just think my fridge isn’t stocked with enough wine to handle these two all day, but I will say I am very blessed to be able to see them grow into these tiny little humans with attitudes of teenagers. Did I mention I’m a self proclaimed photographer. It started as a hobby then turn into a business. Now I’m just on a break. Who knows when I will get back to it. Hopefully one day.

Since I could remember I’ve always wanted to start a blog but I always talked myself out of it. Since the new year started I thought I would give it a go! I usually like to keep to myself about the struggles of being a wife and a mom but if I can help make one mom laugh or give her hope that everything is going to be okay. Then that’s enough for me.

My hope is to provide good content, silly story’s, maybe some yummy recipes,things I’ve learned along the way, even overcoming personal difficulties and maybe some diy!

-Sometimes A Good Mom